The Condemning Cycle
“Every opiate addict shares one single fear. I’m not talking about the possibility of death, even though when one thinks of an opiate addiction, they visualize the risk of an overdose. However, from the addict’s point of view, the fear of death is distant. There is no present concern for dying, hurting yourself, or for that matter, hurting others.
“The singular thing which keeps a heroin addict an addict is the withdrawal symptoms. Speaking from personal experience, the fear of withdrawal has led me to do some of the most horrifying things throughout my cycle of addiction.
“I literally stopped doing everything. I missed family events, wouldn’t go out with friends, stopped hobbies and lost my passion for… well, living. There was barely a trace of my day where I wasn’t thinking about or being afraid of running out of the drug I clung to for life.
“My heroin addiction started off as a one-time thing, just to try it, just to see why everyone said it was so amazing. So, I tried it and at that moment, I knew there was no turning back.
“For a while, it was a casual and recreational addiction and I paid no attention to what was becoming of my body and unfortunately my soul. After about two weeks of using on and off, I decided the fun was over and I didn’t want to continue to spend money on it anymore.
“It was too late, the drug I made an allowance to try, had already laid claim to every ounce of me. I tried to stop, but when I did, I felt like I was dying. I felt like without heroin, there was no way I could live anymore. So I continued my use, because I thought I had to and I began justifying every reason I had to stop.
“Over time, I began breaking away from everything. I lost all my friends, I lost my family, and I lost myself. After about eight months of using, heroin had become my friend, my family, and my lover. I was numb in my own solitude.
“I tried to die, but every time I would wake up. It was as if I was meant to live in an eternal hell of my own design.”
“I began to hate myself, and everyone who wasn’t crippled by the drug. I often thought of killing myself so I would stop all my harmful actions. Lying, stealing, and manipulation became the moral code I lived by. I knew my job couldn’t support my habit and I needed a way to get the money I needed to survive. I didn’t care who I hurt along the way as long as I made it out with a bag of dope.
“One of the worst things is my tolerance had grown to the point that I didn’t get high anymore. I was sticking a needle in my arm so I didn’t feel sick. I spent $100 a day to feel normal and remain numb all because of how terrified I was of becoming sick from the withdrawals.
“I didn’t want to confront myself, so I avoided mirrors. I disconnected from my family because I didn’t want them to see the monster I had become. I was a broken man walking a completely shambled path in life and saw no hope for myself. I tried to die, but every time I would wake up. It was as if I was meant to live in an eternal hell of my own design. I desperately wanted to quit every time I got high, but every time I was sober, I desperately wanted to get high.
“When I would try to quit, I would do well for a few days, but I could never make it through the entire withdrawal. One day I finally reached out for help, even though I was immensely ashamed to admit what I was doing to my loved ones.
“You do not have to be a slave to heroin if you don’t want to be. Life is a game, but you have to play it right.”
“I got accepted to Narconon and I made it through my greatest fear. I no longer need drugs and I’ve gotten my life back. I’m no longer a broken being and now have more than I thought I ever deserved.
“I’m writing this to let you know there is always a hope. You do not have to be a slave to heroin if you don’t want to be. Life is a game, but you have to play it right.”
By Zech L.
