Dishonorable Allowances
From a person who has been in treatment multiple times over the past five years, there was always one thing that hindered my sobriety. This one thing has caused countless amounts of relapses and has caused me many problems along the path of my recovery.
Since I always considered myself a pretty intelligent individual, I figured I could turn urges on and off. Unfortunately, I also considered I could be like the average individual, like so many others I had witnessed and have that one drink or smoke that one joint and not have to go down the horrible path called addiction.
The inevitable thing was that one allowance would ultimately and repeatedly send me down a path even darker than the one I was on before. At first, I thought nothing of it. I truly believed I could get away with a casual drink or a casual smoke session with a buddy. I would think that because for a time, I was able to. One drink didn’t immediately trigger a relapse.
It was a slow process over months. I continued to put myself into situations where I would want a drink “at the end of my shift” or “just to chill” and it was okay. You see I was a heavy heroin and cocaine user and chose to inject my drugs. Hell, anything I could put in a needle, I put in my arm. So, I never conceived I had a problem with alcohol or weed.
To me, alcohol and weed were for kids and no one could have a problem with them. I was never even a big fan of alcohol although I was a fan of being numb, not feeling and not remembering. So, it was easy for me to think, for me to say, “I can have one drink.”
Yet, looking back on all this (from a point of being sober for a while), anyone in any phase of recovery who makes an allowance such as “one hit” or “one drink” will begin a dwindling spiral they are unable to consciously control.
My allowance was one drink after work. Before I knew it, I was smoking weed with friends again. Then my ex tried to kill herself in front of me by swallowing a bunch of Tylenol. I remember sitting in front of our apartment shoving my fingers down her throat trying to induce vomiting. When that didn’t work, I sped her to the emergency room and checked her in. Less than 20 minutes after I brought her there and made sure she was okay, I called my heroin dealer and was driving to buy a gram. Because of all my little “allowances” I had gradiently gotten to the point where it was a very easy decision to get the drug I knew would make me numb.
So, if you are in recovery and consider making an allowance for yourself, to have that one little drink or that one hit of weed, you might as well go get your “drug of choice.” Because as soon as something truly difficult comes up in your life, you won’t stand a chance against it.
Obviously, we do not recommend anyone go back to using any sort of drug. If you find yourself in this position seek help before you make that “allowance.”
—Zech L.
