Facing My Greatest Fears
As I sit here thinking about my time at Narconon, I can honestly say I haven’t felt this alive ever; even when I was sober before. To better explain how I genuinely feel, let’s start at the beginning. When I went through puberty, I was an individual with low self-esteem with a superiority complex. That sounds like a contradiction, but it will be easy to understand when I explain it.
I had such an issue with accepting myself I started to overcompensate. In overcompensating, I started feeling I was better than everyone around me. I warped my parent’s religious teachings into believing I was not normal. I decided the only way to make my chaotic world to make sense was to live a double life. Also, I needed to be perfect just in case if someone found out, they would not be able to reject me. This belief followed me throughout growing up and cemented in my adulthood.
When I joined the Army, I found in it a home where I could be the person, I believed I should be. I separated my personal and professional life. “Don’t ask, don’t tell,” was the perfect motto for my life at that point.
As I got out of the Army and went on with my civilian career, I made the same choice; not to let anyone into my personal life. I thought I could live that way for the rest of my life. My father’s illness then threw a wrench into my perfectly laid plans. In all honesty, I couldn’t handle it and self-medicated in order to escape what I couldn’t face.
That is how I arrived at Narconon, not wanting to confront my problems and refusing to forgive myself for my past. I ended up leaving because I wanted to escape the truth. This just ended me up in the emergency room. Looking back, this was the best thing that could have happened to me. I couldn’t escape my reality anymore, and I had to face it. That is the reason I went back to Narconon.
This time though, I came back with a renewed sense of purpose. Before I came back to the facility, I came clean about everything to my family. Then as I continued with the program, and my mind became clear, things just started to make sense to me.
The Objectives forced me to be in the present time and things just started clicking for me. I realized I was living in my past, and the Objectives forced me to live in the present. I couldn’t escape facing what I had to do. My biggest win in Objectives was deciding to show who I really was. Living in the past had my life on pause. Finally, I realized I couldn’t live like that and needed to move on.
I remember walking around the campus and just being happy at the simplest things—simple things like walking around the loop and just enjoying the beauty of nature. Or more importantly, interacting with the other students and staff. I was happy. Not synthetically happy, but happy to be alive.
As I got onto Life Skills, I knew I was ready to make peace with my past. So, I wrote down and faced a certain situation and felt relief, like I finally permitted myself to forgive my past. I reached out to repair and rebuild my relationships with my family members.
“My biggest win from the program I was able to be myself and face my greatest fear and I was elated because I did it.”
My biggest win from the program I was able to be myself and face my greatest fear and I was elated because I did it. Finally, I was me. This my greatest win. Thank you for letting me learn to love myself again.
C.T., Narconon Graduate