“I Didn’t Plan to Be an Addict”
“I never thought, ’Oh, that’s what I want—to live my life always worrying about the next fix’.”
I never thought, “Oh, that’s what I want—to live my life always worrying about the next fix.”
It turned out that way when heroin became my best friend.
We met, and instantly got along; a soulmate if you will. And as with all new relationships, the first few months were a blast. We hung out every day and went everywhere together; school, family functions, restaurants, not to mention many car rides. When I was sad or needed to be consoled, heroin was there. Or when I failed and gave up on a goal, it was there. Heroin was the one thing I thought would always be there for me. And it was fun.
Until it wasn’t.
Waking up, I would hear it screaming for me. I would attempt to eat breakfast; then, reach for it. After an argument with my family, I would again answer its wailing. Almost no activity—work, school or hanging out with people was done without it. Even on a decent day, I still reached for it. But are there good days when heroin is involved? Unfortunately, not.
When you live with, work with, and surround yourself with that one thing, life spirals out of control. Fun and games turn into ambulance rides, and Narcan drips. Real friends become strangers, and family members become the enemy. At that point, I had lost everything, including my best friend.
Heroin was out to get me.
Being so strung out, I was caught in a trap and although I have never been behind real bars, I was trapped in my mind and had become a person I never intended to be. I screamed for help but didn’t realize heroin had placed a muzzle over my mouth. But I am not helpless or hopeless or a thug. I am not a lost cause.
I have just lost my way.
Heroin will never be officially gone. I will always have mental and physical scars. I will still remember the people to go to for it and the places to find it. It is up to me, though, to keep from trying to find that long lost best friend, the one who was toxic from the very start.
The road back was just as terrifying. Just like the other road, it too had tears and bad days and failures. But there was a goal that no longer consisted of my demise. Too few get back to living on that road.
But you can.