I’m Finally the Person I Always Wanted to Be

 

I can remember when I got here. It was New Year’s Day, and I was barely one hundred and eighteen pounds. All I wanted to do was stay in bed, but I was sleeping terribly. I remember the first few weeks; I would wake up multiple times throughout the night in lakes of sweat. I remember being so weak and sore. I couldn’t even stand up long enough to take a shower. Then, throughout the sauna, all those physical effects began to change. My strength came back, and I was eating like a horse. I started sleeping better without drowning in sweat every night. I felt a lot better physically, but mentally, I was still having trouble figuring out what got me here in the first place.

Then I got to Objectives, and boy did my twin and I have a heck of a run. Honestly, Objectives were probably the best part of the program for me. My twin and I put a lot of work into ourselves and each other. He showed me a lot about myself and helped me acknowledge things that I’ve ignored for a long time, and I thank him for that. I was deep into my head when I got there, but all the hours spent on Objectives pulled me out and brought me to the present time. I no longer try to justify every situation or ignore the things I don’t want to face. I can confront all my problems, handle them with intention, and move on.

And that’s what brought me to life skills. The Ups and Downs training helped me analyze the people in my life and mend relationships I thought were gone forever. Taking responsibility for what I did to those people was hard but relieving. I’m able to have a clean slate with them and move forward.

Personal values were also very challenging but rewarding. Taking responsibility for all the messed up things I did is embarrassing and I felt sick reading it back to myself. But owning up to it all, taking responsibility, leaving it all in the past, and moving forward with a better life is a great feeling. I now can hold myself accountable, know right from wrong, and know that one little mistake will turn into a web of regrets.

“I’ve changed so much; I’m not the person I used to be.”

Conditions was probably the most challenging part of the program for me but also one of the most beneficial. Change is hard. Nobody likes change. We get comfortable where we are and what we’re doing. So we stay there despite the damage we cause. All my time using, I always made myself out to be this great, honest, and trusting guy who would give the shirt off his back. But behind closed doors, I was using dope, stealing, and lying. Subconsciously I was against myself. Writing down those conditions of the person I want to make myself out to be, reading it, and knowing what I must do to continue being this person is hard and scary, honestly, but so worth it. I’ve changed so much; I’m not the person I used to be. But it’s for my benefit and now I’m who I’ve wanted to become for my survival, and I can’t thank Narconon and everyone here enough for getting me to this point. It feels great to be happy again!

C.M., Narconon Graduate