Being an Addict and Loving an Addict
I’m wandering aimlessly through the house anticipating the next high. Our drug dealer finally comes through with a fix. Never on time, but he finally gets here. We walk into the back of the house and close our door. Not a thought goes through my mind other than putting the meth in the pipe, lighting it and inhaling the smoke. That’s a good day for us. But it’s the days that we don’t have a dollar to our name, unsure how we are going to get more drugs but scheming on how to make it possible that are even more stressful.
Tempers start flaring. One thing leads to another and we’re screaming in each other’s faces. Spewing insults that would make some believe we hated one another. The look of distrust in our eyes. We’re both denying and hiding behind the terror of the truth. I love him. He loves me. More lies. The lack of drugs only amplifies every problem. He swings. The taste of blood now fresh in my mouth, I tell myself “not again.”
He strides toward the door grabbing his keys in the process. I beg him not to leave me again knowing if he does I won’t see him for days and will imagine the worst. Eventually, the anger subsides and we make up. We apologize for the hurtful words we’ve exchanged though they will become another scar with the insults flowing through our minds on a continuous loop. There is nothing left to do but get high again and allow the cycle to continue and progressively get worse.
When the topic of beating an addiction arises, the most common things discussed are how the person is no longer dependent on a substance and they look healthier and happier. They get their family back. And while those are powerful things that are gained from sobriety, there is one thing sometimes overlooked.
Relationships aren’t always easy whether you’re sober or not. But when using drugs within a relationship, the level of toxicity is astounding. If you look at the reasons why someone uses you will commonly find there is some aspect of their life they are dissatisfied with. Now pair that with another person experiencing similar difficulties and those two people trying to create a happy, loving relationship. It’s not commonly found.
There is something unique about two people in a relationship that use. You see sides of the person not many other people see and you’re with each other through the darkest days. Much beyond that, though, the foundation is weak. Neither truly loves who they are and they’re hiding from problems and masking it with drugs. They look for love and affection in a relationship because they cannot give that to themselves. Basically, they want to be in a relationship to be cared for rather than to care for someone.
One of the biggest achievements in my life since obtaining sobriety is my relationship. For a long time, I felt as though I wasn’t going to find love or that there was no such thing as love. I didn’t love myself, so I concluded no one else could either. My motivation to be in relationships before was for exceptionally selfish reasons. They would give me something I needed and I would allow anything to happen and compromise my beliefs to continue being cared for.
I now love someone because of who they are, not for what they can give me or do for me. Communicating was never a strength of mine. I was brash with my words and believed I always spoke my mind, not knowing how abrasive and uncaring I was. I used to listen to simply reply and now I listen to understand. Taking responsibility in every situation is key. All these simple ways of truly communicating which I learned on the Narconon program, brought me the most happiness.
Addiction is a strenuous challenge to overcome, but the rewards are never ending. To love and be loved while being sober and having a purpose in life—there is nothing better. Such a feeling of accomplishment. Not only have I found someone with the same goals, dreams, intentions and morals as myself, the knowledge I’ve obtained does wonders in every aspect of my life. It is possible to get away from addiction and the world is full of happiness that CAN be gained. Do not sell yourself short. Get the help you deserve today and find out what’s it like to prosper in all aspects of your life.