Descent Into Heavy Drug Use

Part 3

Over the years, many people tried to get me to use heroin. My fear of the unknown and possible overdose prevented me from doing so. I finally crossed that threshold. On my usual search for pills, I came up with nothing. I was at the last of my stash and desperate. In my search, I came across a guy who told me he could get some. I was very aware he used heroin before and had access to various drugs. We drove all over town looking for his “dealer.” He consistently kept offering me a bag of heroin, but I consistently declined. After running all over, we made a pit stop, and he needed a fix. Watching him shoot up both intrigued and disgusted me at the same time.

Three days later, I was again out of pills and really fed up with running around with no payoff. Filled with desperation and in dire need of relief, at 23 years old, I could no longer resist and hesitantly bought a bag of heroin, trading my integrity for a cheaper way to feel “normal.” The fact I was sick of taking pills and pill-taking was not cost-effective played a massive part in my decision.

After the switch, I found a renewed interest in drugs again. I never did make an effort to get into a rehab or reform in any way. I had no sense of reality, no logic, and never thought about the damage I was causing to myself or my family. I can recall the awful bitter taste, snorting a light tan mixture, not feeling much from the $5 worth of heroin. This first use of heroin didn’t have a profound effect on me due to the mass quantities of pain pills I had taken for years prior.

In the following four years of snorting heroin and engaging in polydrug use, I managed to acquire multiple felonies. I condoned numerous criminal activities and lowered my morals and self-esteem. I lied, cheated, and used people to obtain what I desired. I couldn't even look in a mirror and continually ran from who I was becoming while I tried to solve a problem with another problem.

I felt I thrived in toxic environments and was driven on chaos and those associated with me were no different. I only dated people who were on drugs because I couldn’t face someone sober. I gravitated to people who had lower self-esteem than I did and who didn’t respect me. My exes were hostile and abusive. They were criminals and heavy polydrug users as I was and I did not feel like I deserved any better.

I would often find myself latching on to one relationship after another. I felt the need to be with someone because I was a serial monogamist. I wound up dating a fellow dealer and after a year of dating this guy, I crossed over to shooting heroin instead of just snorting it. I had been watching him shoot up in front of me for two years, and he got way higher than I ever did, so I figured why not? I was growing tired of snorting at least 2 grams of heroin a day and not feeling its effects.

Consuming heroin in any fashion is a risk in itself. Consumption of opioids intravenously, in my opinion, is an even higher risk. I never pondering these risks, since I was selfish and wanted to feel the quick, intense rush. I began my fast-downward spiral.

A few months later, I tried crack for the first time, This was different and became my everyday life. From my very first hit, I became engulfed in the feeling of intense devotion to this drug. My mouth became glued to a pipe and continued to sell multiple illegal substances to keep up with my ever-growing habit.

I was slowly starting to do less heroin and more crack. Crack is cheap if you are only going to stop yourself from doing more. I continued to feel this strong urge to smoke more seconds to minutes after taking a hit-making it expensive at the same time. Coming down and becoming overwhelmed with the feeling of extraordinarily irritable and anxious was uncomfortable, which fueled my urge to have more. Obsessed with keeping my buzz going, I got on methadone, using it as a buffer so I could smoke more crack and use less heroin. 

Read Part Four