“Everything Is Fine”

Crossing fingers

Mom: How was work?

Mike: Really good, I had to work a little late, but Evan came and picked me up afterward to hangout.

Mom: That’s good, what did you guys do?

Mike: We went bowling, then he got called into work, but he was able to drop me off at Dunkin’ Donuts down the street. Can you pick me up?

Mom: Absolutely, I’ll be right there.

Above is the type of conversation I would have with my Mother when I was using drugs. Everything seemed relatively normal and to her, it seemed as if I was doing fine. What really happened is a different matter….

I actually went to work early that day, not because I was a model employee, but because I needed time to go to the grocery store across the plaza to buy alcohol. There I drink four airplane bottles of vodka, chase it with a Redbull and chain smoke cigarettes and chew gum simultaneously to cover up the smell of the alcohol. When I arrive at work, I wasn’t drunk but was at least able to feel normal for about 2 hours before the onset of opiate withdrawal started to slowly kick in.

With clammy hands, I insistently text my dealer till he finally replies. After what feels like an eternity, I read the words “I’m good.” With the thought of scoring well within reach, my body, like Pavlov’s dog, starts to feel slightly better. But this reaction to the proverbial “bell” would only last so long. It was time for action. After my patented and usual stomachache excuse, made plausible by making myself throw up in the bathroom to have a flushed face and watery eyes, I was in a cab and on my way to pick up my fix within the hour.

I meet up with my dealer, and spend what little money I have on pills and even have him front me some for later. I stay at my dealers and play video games with his son while high on opiates. When it is time for me to go, I don't have enough money for a cab, so I walk three-quarters of a mile in a bad neighborhood to catch a bus. I finally made it back to my town and walk to a Dunkin’ Donuts around the corner from my house.

Being high with my opiate addiction “under control,” I have a great conversation with my mom about how good work was going. I even talk about Evan, the "friend I went bowling with" commenting that he is doing well. After a long day of lying and manipulating, I take the pills I promised I would save for the next day and go to bed, telling myself I'm not that bad. “Everything is fine.”

I played this routine for way too long and as my addiction got worse, so did the lies and manipulation. While living that lifestyle, I manipulated the people I cared about. It wasn’t until I got sober that I realized the biggest victim of my manipulation was myself. I constantly made excuses and lied to myself, so I never looked at how bad my behavior really was.

This self-manipulation is normal behavior for someone who is using drugs, but there is hope out there. If you are tired of lying to yourself about how bad things are, do yourself a favor and check out Narconon. Also, if you know someone who is constantly saying things are fine, but you know something just doesn’t feel right, call one of our intake counselors for more information.

AUTHOR

Mike

Originally from Atco, New Jersey, Mike graduated from Rutgers University with a degree in Employment Management. Now employed at Narconon New Life Retreat, he lives in Denham Springs, Louisiana.

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