Know You’re Not Alone
Growing up, I always felt uneasy about the world around me, whether at home, school, or anywhere else. I still can’t quite put my finger on it or explain how it feels, but I am sure there are others who can identify with those feelings. It wasn’t until much later that I realized my drug and alcohol use was solely a means of avoiding those feelings.
It was never that I particularly loved getting high, as there were many other things in life I was much more passionate about. Unfortunately, those things fell by the wayside very quickly as my entire world began to revolve around my addiction. With high divorce rates, families who don’t communicate well, the rise of social media, and a rapidly changing job market, my generation seems to experience higher rates of anxiety, suicide, and addiction issues.
I always felt there was a disconnect in every aspect of my life as a child. I never felt comfortable anywhere. I didn’t feel safe or like I had a voice at home. When I discovered drugs and alcohol at 13 years old, I felt like I had found the secret to life—the escape. If I could stay loaded 24/7, I would never have to face this dissatisfied attitude towards life. It sounds simple enough—any grade school psychology student could probably draw the connections here, but sometimes, with addiction, it’s not always that simple. As addicts, we tend to be in blatant denial of the reasons for and the effects of our addictions.
I distinctly remember deciding at a young age, when I first tried drugs, that I was going to become an addict. I gave up right then and there. I knew as much about the risks as any kid might. Even though I knew it was the wrong road to go down, I never could have imagined how dark that road would be.
Every relationship I tried to cling to failed, as I was lying to and using everyone around me. I gave up on all the passions and hobbies I had in life and any kind of work ethic. I became homeless. I was in and out of jail. I had developed a dark energy about me that swallowed every positive thing life had to offer. I felt it was too late to change. I never imagined the pain and suffering I would inflict on myself and those around me. I found there was no rock bottom—it seemed life could always get worse and worse, and it did. Death is the only inevitable result.
While at Narconon, I realized I never had any concept of who I was—in every sense. I didn’t know what I wanted; I didn’t know if I loved or hated myself, and I didn’t understand why I continued to hurt myself and the people I loved. It was a scary feeling.
It was a long and strenuous path that led me to Narconon. Still, the breaking point was when, after completing a 30-day inpatient program, I intended to start sober living, only to relapse and overdose on fentanyl and benzodiazepines a few days later. I felt defeated. I had tried many programs prior and always got the same result. I ended up overdosing twice more that same week and was admitted to the hospital for kidney failure and serious concussions as a result of overdosing. I felt like giving up again.
Somebody from the program contacted me through my mother, and I was on a plane to Narconon the following week. Fortunately, I have figured out the answers to some of these questions while doing the Narconon program.
We are always going to be a work in progress as addicts, and I still have a lot of searching to do, but I can say with confidence that I have never felt more real and connected than ever before. I knew how much I hated life day in and day out while using, but I never realized how lost I truly was. And it all led back to my decision when I was just 13 years old. It’s not an easy path, but to be honest, finding out who I am, beginning to love myself, and challenging myself has been the biggest blessing I could ever hope for. Today, I am happy. I am so grateful for that.
Do you feel lost? Do you not know who you are anymore? I know how it feels. I challenge you to confront these things. Do not waste the opportunity. The results are greater than you could ever imagine.
P.S., Narconon Graduate
