In September 2011, my life changed forever. I’d been shooting heroin and methamphetamine daily at that point. I was completely shot out. Covered in bruises and track marks, I was unemployable, in a horrible relationship with a man who terrified me and my family was completely done with me. They considered me dead.
I was dead to me. My life was going nowhere.
I was in a meth psychosis and had been up for days, locked in a room for months shooting up all day and night. I got in an argument with the guy I was with and I was hallucinating. I had no idea what was real thinking there were little people who talked to me outside my window and constantly either put me down or sang happy birthday. I was convinced they would hurt me if I left the room. I went into the bathroom to hide. I was going to take a shower for the first time in weeks.
I took my clothes off and looked in the mirror for the first time in a long time and stared at myself. I remember feeling empty. Just a lifeless body. I wondered if I really was alive… had this all been a dream? I had no idea who I was. Was I still Rachel? What made me who I was before? How did I ever get here? What happened to me? How could I let this happen? Something inside me made a decision.
There had to be something more. The tiniest bit of me urged towards survival. I sat in the shower for a long time. I was scared. I thought there was no hope for me. I had tried to get sober many times prior. What would make a difference? I told myself, so what? If over dose and die or rot and die in jail. Who would care? I didn’t even know. Still, I got out of the shower and put on my clothes. I came out of the bathroom, and started fighting with my boyfriend. I said “I’m leaving!”, put on my shoes and ran. I ran hard and fast. He didn’t follow me.
I took off on foot and then bus, being helped by strangers along the way through Hollywood and the San Fernando Valley. I went to a friend’s house not knowing what I was going to do. I knew I should do something but I still continued using. I ran into an old friend who had known me for most of the time I’d used. He hadn’t seen me in about 6 months and was shocked at the shell I’d become. He was struggling as well but lent me a hand.
He helped me find treatment and said he knew someone who had success. He wanted me to get away from the life I’d been living and said I deserved better. He suggested I go to Narconon. I listened to him and then he got on the phone with my parents. What did I have to lose? I was nothing and had nothing. My parents agreed to give me one last shot.
The agreement was that I had to go far away, be gone for months and try a new approach. I had done 12 step treatment countless times and knew plenty of people who had success with it but I had not been one of those people.
I didn’t care either way. I spoke to the Intake Consultant at Narconon. He told me all about the program and how amazing it was. He was very kind to me but what stood out was that he seemed like he actually understand what was I was going through. I was used to people who hadn’t ever known what it was like to be an addict. But this guy knew. Even though that was reassuring, I still felt like I would fail no matter what. He told me to get on a plane the next night.
I had no idea at the time that this was the best decision I would ever make. It was not easy getting sober and getting my life back. For anyone still struggling, this will be the hardest thing you’ll ever do. If getting sober were easy, addiction wouldn’t be such an epidemic. I’ve seen many people die from this. It only takes one step towards saving your own life.
The Narconon program saved my life. There were many others who helped me get to where I am and I have now dedicated my life to helping addicts do the same. If you know anyone who needs help, help them into treatment.
Living is the most amazing gift. Now I look in the mirror and know who I am. I have control over my life again and have figured out why I used drugs as a solution. I know each addict’s situation is different than anyone else and the special thing about the Narconon program is that it is specific to the individual.
I have handled the situations which resulted in my addiction and can now create my life. I am enjoying every minute of it. I have many amazing friends and family. I love myself! I’m in an awesome relationship. I have a great job and I surround myself around great people.
I am almost four years sober now and my life has PURPOSE. The girl who didn’t care about her survival is a distant memory. I chose life over death. Thank you Narconon!